Reflections on Retrograde

stuff I am feeling

Every time Mercury Retrograde (the period when it looks like mercury is going backwards due to the orbital relationship between the Earth and it) - I say to myself, it’s not real. I wouldn’t say I am a skeptic, I love astrology and signs, all of it. I love sharing memes that relate to my sun, moon, or rising signs. I love to analyze how my cancer boyfriend reacts to different moon phases, or how my friends seem to fit into the loose definitions of their own Big Three. But I do have an apprehension to live my life by astrology.

Maybe that’s where lessons on colonialism and teachings from that perspective come in.

Do I reject astrology as I want to be seen as “logical and rational”? Do I reject it as a “true” thing due to fear of being laughed at, ridiculed, or looked down upon as it is a “pseudo-science” and inherently a more typically 'feminine’ thing? Do I want to be “taken seriously” so I tell myself, it is for fun? There is also a healthy fear in believing in anything wholeheartedly, as I don’t want my life to be ruled by these signs and my decision making to be wholly influenced by these things I don’t completely understand.

Our Western world, ruled by science and rules has taught us to reject things like astrology - even though it is one of the oldest forms of science in the world. (I am reading “Braiding Sweetgrass” by Robin Wall Kimmerer and I have a lot of thoughts on this but I have run out of time to write more.) But then, whenever Mercury Retrograde happens there are happenings that could be seen as coincidental, but oftentimes are exactly in line with what a Mercury Retrograde is supposed to bring:

• mishaps in scheduling

• delays in travel

• old relationships popping up

• technology issues (A famous Canada-wide cellphone outage at the beginning of a 2022 retrograde)

Among other things.

I tell myself, “OK, Mercury Retrograde is here but it isn’t REAL."

So, then why does my computer get a beach ball loading when it usually never does? Why does everyone’s schedule seem messy and we are all of us rescheduling appointments or missing emails or communiqué? Why does it feel so hard to stay on top of all the balls I have been juggling?

Perhaps it is an Invitation

This is what all the astrologers say. It is an invitation to pause, look back, and consider. It is time for me to put those balls I am juggling down and to consider which ones I should REALLY be juggling. Is this a priority? Is this important? Is this valuable to me?

It’s a time to not start new projects but to discern which ones should be continued or paused. It’s a time to clean out the space - physical, mental, digital. I emptied out our junk drawers and reorganized my closet. I looked through my documents folder - and closed it. It’s on the list for organization, I swear!

I have been struggling

I have been questioning what is it I am supposed to do? What is my calling? At times it is so clear. I am an artist. A writer. A creator. But then the world tells me I can’t afford it. My rent tells me I can’t afford it. My student loans scream that they need to be paid off. And I question, is my belief in my art and self affected by the fact that capitalism needs me to work to exist?

So, I apply for jobs that do not align with my way of being or myself; I edit my resume to fit a Marketing Manager or a Co-ordinator or anything that will give me a steady income along with benefits so I can go to the dentist. And I get rejected and go on Reddit or read Instagram comments about how expensive everything is and how hard it is to get a job and I feel validated but also angry, dejected, and unsure.

And then, I meditate and repeat and look at my long list of to-do’s and projects and all that I want to achieve and feel overwhelmed.

So, this Mercury Retrograde has been at time to review and rethink.

I am feeling a bit less murky now. I am fine tuning exactly what it is I need to work on. I am going through my list of projects and instead of putting ten things on my daily to-do list, I am putting three. And, I am creating a schedule and boundaries within that schedule to make sure I write, edit my films, and stick to the safe spaces I create for my own creation.

I am not sure what this substack will be. I think I will simply write and see what happens. I will not be obsessed with outcome but instead with process. Afterall, isn’t that what life is? One long process?